3 Problems with "Positive" Parenting

Trouble avoidance is just asking for trouble.

A lot of mainstream parenting advice today promotes “positive” or “gentle” parenting. I recently came across an article that laid out a roadmap for positive parenting like a mathematical ledger, neatly listing qualities most parents want instilled in their children—qualities like sharing, caring, and kindness. 

The article cheerfully promised that the way to instill these qualities in your kids is to simply encourage them whenever you see them. Instead of focusing too much attention on the negative stuff like aggression or lying, “catch” at their opposite positive counterparts. Don’t want them to lie? Praise them when they tell the truth.

Now, I doubt any parent would disagree with the idea of encouraging positive behavior. And, of course, we all want to raise kind, caring kids who don’t bite Grandma’s ankle at Thanksgiving dinner.

But this anemic approach to parenting leaves a little on the table. Three problems come to mind.

1. Life Becomes a Transaction

Unknowingly, and with the best of intentions, we can teach our kids selfish pragmaticism even while trying to teach selflessness. Parents are encouraged to constantly bargain with their kids, pointing out things like, “See how great it is to make a new friend,” or, “Isn’t it wonderful to show up on time?”

While these comments may have good intentions, they teach kids to think pragmatically: Behave this way to get what you want.

Again, I’m not saying we shouldn’t point out the value of kindness or praise good behavior—or that there’s no benefits to good behavior. But when our only trick is a sort of stout avoidance of negativity, it creates a void. That void then dominates the home.

“This hazard is increased by a utilitarian and instrumentalist ethos that has seeped to the tap roots of our culture. Despite evidence that we are failing to transmit morality effectively to our children, we persist in teaching ethics as if it comes from a how to manual for successful living. Moral educators routinely introduce moral principles and even the virtues themselves to students as if they are practical instruments for achieving success. When we tell our children that standards of social utility and material success are the measurements of the value of moral principles and virtues, then it is not likely that our pedagogy is able to transform the minds or convert the hearts of young people.” ¹

2. It Doesn’t Work

No matter how often you praise your kid for staying close to you in public, he’s still going to dart ahead occasionally. No matter how much you encourage gentleness, he’s still going to push his sister. And no matter how much you reward honesty, he’s still going to tell lies… at least sometimes.

The problem is that this approach assumes kids are like machines: input praise, output good behavior. And when the machine doesn’t work properly, we get frustrated. “Why is my sweet child being such a monster?” At least he’s sweet when he’s asleep so there’s that.

But kids aren’t machines. They’re more like Pharaoh in the story of Moses. Moses tried negotiating with him, bargaining, and pointing out what good positive behaviors look like. Pharaoh was given plenty of facts and clear, informational sentences. He was strongly encouraged to make the right choice. We all know how that went.

The truth is, the human heart — and especially a child’s heart — is far more complicated than positive parenting acknowledges. In fact, positive parenting can backfire.

To continue the above mentioned quote: When we we "persist in teaching ethics as if it comes from a how to manual for successful living… All that we will accomplish is to confirm the despair of the weak, darken the envy of the poor, justify the greed of the rich, embolden the deceitfulness of the liar, encourage the aggression of the strong.” ²

Don’t believe me? Go spend some time at a playground. 

3. It Leaves Kids Vulnerable

The saddest part of positive parenting is that it can actually create a negative home. When we avoid addressing the darker parts of a child’s heart, we leave them ill-equipped to face those parts when they surface. Which means they will only surface with much more frequency.

Children are wonderful. I’ve got five of them, and they’re my greatest joy. But pretending that darkness doesn’t exist — either in the world or in our kids — isn’t just unrealistic. It’s unkind.

Telling a child that everything is fine when there’s clearly a problem is like telling them their leg isn’t broken when the bone is sticking out. It sounds like good news at the moment, but it doesn’t help.

So What Should We Do?

Of course, there is much that could be said here. But since I'm all about stories, let’s do that next. 

Good stories — and by that, I mean good stories, not just any story you can find in the public library — grapple with darkness in a way that resonates deeply with kids.

Here’s how:

1. Stories Teach Virtues

All those traits we want to teach our kids — bravery, honesty, kindness — have no meaning outside of a story. 

I’ve been watching a lot of foreign shows lately. I often laugh at how the subtitles translate background music in a particularly stirring scene, describing the music as “moving” or “thrilling.” But we all know that when you can’t hear the music, those words have no meaning. They don’t get at the emotions evoked. Not even kind of. 

Similarly, stories reach kid’s imaginations on a far deeper level. They make abstract virtues concrete.

“Only a pedagogy that enlivens the moral imagination will persuade the child… that courage is the ultimate test of good character, that honesty is essential for trust and harmony… and humility and a magnanimous spirit are goods greater than the prizes gained by selfishness, pride, or the unscrupulous exercise of power.” ³

2. Stories Acknowledge Darkness

Good stories don’t lie. They show that darkness is real, and it’s far darker than we like to imagine. Kids need this honesty because, as Chesterton had it, “They already know dragons exist.” You can find more about that here. 

3. Stories Show That Good Is Stronger

At the same time, good stories remind us that the good is always stronger than the bad. When you turn the lights on, shadows intstantly flee.

Good stories easily seep into kids’ imaginations and populate and catechize their assumptions. Instead of seeing the world as a practical transaction, they see it as a mysterious, enchanted, dark, and wonderful story—a story where good triumphs.

Need help finding good stories for your kids? Stick around.

1. Vigen Guroian, Tending the Heart of Virtue, (Oxford University Press, 2002).

2. Vigen Guroian, Tending the Heart of Virtue, (Oxford University Press, 2002).

3. Vigen Guroian, Tending the Heart of Virtue, (Oxford University Press, 2002).