Parents: Do you Emotionally Manipulate your Kids?
Does your home reflect biblical authority or a power play?
Most movies feature what's known as an "emotionally charged object." This item holds symbolic significance within the story, representing something deeper than its physical form. The most on-the-nose example is a photograph. When a soldier takes out a picture of his long-lost love while fighting in the trenches, we instantly know what is on his mind. However, a really good storyteller can use almost anything to convey the same meaning if the storyteller is skilled- the object is code for whatever the storyteller wants.
Language works in much the same way. Words act as codes, carrying specific meanings. The problem is that the meaning behind certain words can morph over time in the same way as objects in stories.
The word "authority" is an emotionally charged word. Its meaning has radically changed from what it used to be. When we hear the word "authority," we might think of anything from a heavy-handed authoritarian father to Hitler. To complicate matters, authoritarian fathers are not in short supply, and of course, Hitler was a thing. Obviously, authority can be abused.
Many people respond by concluding that authority itself is the problem. They suggest we ditch the concept altogether and live in a utopia where everyone is equal, like the French Revolution: "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity."
It sounds great.
But it’s common knowledge that in a desperate, cutthroat bid to determine who was in charge, the leaders and instigators of the French Revolution turned on each other. It turned out that liberty, equality, and fraternity were only available to certain people.
The Problem?
As I mentioned here, we cannot escape authority. When institutions (such as families) establish themselves along the lines of “equality,” they often create an unstable environment prone to bouts of chaos or terrorism from the loudest family members.
Biblical authority can only exist outside of each individual member, to which all members are subject—including those in authority. When there is no true authority, people grasp at any passing means of control that seems good enough. Anything might serve: the authority of whims, irritation, emotional manipulation, opinions, or personal bias.
Parental Authority Today
Because many parents today have an uneasy relationship with the idea of authority, we can find a couple of false reactions in parenting:
Friend-based parenting: In the first camp, you have parents who try to sidestep the sticky issue of authority entirely. They are buddies with their kids. They are often very affectionate and genuinely want to raise their children well but might simply misunderstand what that looks like.
In this case, parenting often collapses into a process of pragmatic bargaining and negotiation. These parents might assume that if they just explain the situation to their children, the kids will understand and respond like the reasonable creatures they clearly are.
For example, if you tell your four-year-old boy not to hit and terrorize his two-year-old sister, we expect it to work. We have human reason on our side. It’s just not fair. We're baffled when he continues with this behavior and perhaps even turns the heat up. So, we create systems and charts as if we are running a business and just need to get the kids on Google Drive. But these systems fail. The family dissolves into an ongoing power play. What the children understand and ingest is that they are playing a game with their parents to get what they want.
Additionally, when we try to avoid authority altogether, we often end up being subject to the authority of our own personal emotions. When our mechanisms don't work, we resort to begging, whining, stern words, shouting, and a whole array of behaviors that are far worse than the authority we feared in the first place.
Sadly, children in these households grow up learning the real message. They don’t listen to the words their parents say but instead ingest the values by which their parents live. They internalize this fact: when you want something, you use your emotions to get it.
Authoritarian parenting: In the second camp, you have parents who have no problem with authority as a concept. However, even these parents have been misled about what authority actually is; they have been no less hoodwinked than those in the first camp. They believe that embracing authority means being the actual tyrant we’ve been instinctively trained to expect. They may not know what it’s supposed to look like, but they at least know it shouldn’t look like those hippies over there. Both sides are reaction-based and short-sighted.
The Takeaway
True authority, in its very nature, must exist outside of any individual family member. Only when there is this outside authority to which every family member must individually submit can there be peace. When kids grow up believing that the rules and regulations are entirely subject to whatever mood their dad is in, they are fearful.
By contrast, when children know that their mom must submit her moods, emotions, and decisions to a higher authority—when they know that this higher authority is perfect, just, and kind—that is the only way to create harmony in the home.
True authority is never about coercion, emotional manipulation, stern words, or any other cheap tricks. Authority can never be grasped. A father should never say, “I’m the father in this household, and you should respect me.” When he does, he is merely setting himself up in his own man-made authority and has already lost the battle.
Authority can only be given by God. True peace, joy, and harmony result—happy kids who feel safe. Seek this authority in your household.
As always, right on the mark. As a grampa looking back, I see many times I failed the high mark described here, but also see the many times that God intervened to do good things in spite of me!